I Heart Huckabee……. well, no, actually, not at all….

Posted by mellissahughes on


Mike Huckabee, of the immigrants are taking jobs away from our unborn fetuses platform, or something completely asinine….. is well known for his incredibly antiquated views on just about everything…. like homosexuality being the demise of civilization and all, MR. I USED TO CAMPAIGN IN GAY BARS….But a little digging has revealed that his stance on HETEROSEXUAL marriage is consistent with the Southern Baptist Convention, which by the way, issued a lovely tutorial on how to avoid involvement in cults and sects, (pot…kettle….kettle…black anyone??) From USA Today:

“I affirm the statement on the family issued by the 1998 Southern Baptist Convention.” What was in the family statement from the SBC? “A wife is to submit herself graciously to the servant leadership of her husband even as the church willingly submits to the headship of Christ.”

For those of you who were fortunate enough to escape years of Christian schooling, or the SBC altogether, that statement is a quote from the book of Ephesians, a book written by Paul. It’s a selection of scripture that many progressive seminaries devote entire classes to deconstructing. It is unfortunately still a favorite scripture reading at many weddings, and in fact, yours truly was captured on video rolling her eyes during such a reading at a family wedding.

Unless by submission he means in the wife-spanking sort of way? In which case, Mikey, you’re one kinky twisted fuck! I’m a gonna bake you some cookies!!!

Via Kos

How does one know when they’re being groomed???

Posted by mellissahughes on

I've noticed recently that when I call for temp work I'm given something within 30 minutes or less, kinda like Dominoes….pretty sweet deal. My past few assignments have been more and more corporate, on higher floors, better money, more SVP types, and less VPs…lately I've had my own offices with my own floral arrangements and sitting area…. Come to think of it, I haven't sat in a cubicle since August.

Today I finished a three hour gig and was told by HR to report to a different floor to another woman. I figured she was someone that I would eventually work for so I didn't think twice about it. This woman's office is on the executive legal floor, that way swanky floor with the tilapia and sweet potato bisque??

So I shake hands and sit down and make nice chit chat about weather and Brooklyn and college degrees, etc, when she asks me for my resume….yeah, don't carry one on me, unless you count the one on my flash drive! Melly so chic!! So I forwarded it to her from my blackberry and she walked me out via the kitchen for a pastry and cup of tea. She told me she would be in touch.

I walked outside and stared at the street for five minutes until I realized what had just happened. Prett sure I just interviewed for an executive assistant position in the Legal department… What's scarier is that I received an email 20 minutes before from my temp liason reminding me that sometimes executives hire people they like regardless of how many years executive experience they have…… Umm…. Am I being groomed?? Is this all an elaborate scheme to suck me into the world of financial security???

If I had known I was being interviewed I would have worn make-up, not just moistirizer and chapstick. Or at least have filed my nails and worn pantyhose instead of fishnets, but I have a personal agenda with putting fishnets back into the workplace. It's kind of a personal mission of mine.

Lars and the Real Girl, and is Melly a Girlie Girl???

Posted by mellissahughes on

I saw a movie with a girlfriend last night (one who has recently rejoined the throngs of women who trill Yay! Welcome back!)…. we saw Lars and the Real Girl, and let me just tell you, I freakin’ LOVED it…

Go see it, or at least rent it when it comes out, please? I promise, it’s not really about a sex doll. Anyone who suffers from social anxiety issues, or who knows someone who struggles with social situations will enjoy it, like, umm, all of us? And in the bigger picture it’s not just about Lars’ struggle, his entire community’s interactions and dealings, while they are personal, embody the reactions and personalities of basically everyone you know. Trust me, you’ll be all like “OMG I totally do that! Ooooh, that is so my Dad! OMG this movie totally relates to me!!” and so on and so forth…It’s witty, but not too quirky and heartsmarmy and Ryan Gossling’s character is unbelievably well thought out and natural.

ps…… I will now admit to the world that three years ago I watched The Notebook at my parents house at like three in the morning on DVR and sobbed my eyes out….. and I’m sorry but Justin Timberlake would NOT have made a better replacement for Ryan Gossling…there, I feel better now…

Subway Pole Dancers

Posted by mellissahughes on

I totally had this running joke with my Yale colleagues that most of us would end up lube wrestling at StageDoor Johnny’s after we received our Master’s but this is WAY WAY better!! Although I’m not sure I’d be rubbing my most delicate parts anywhere near the F train, even if I douched with Lysol. (there’s also a little George Michael in there, an extra special treat!)

Via Gawker

SmarterChild totally rocks……kinda like HAL, but less scary

Posted by mellissahughes on

Okay, so it’s kind of a longish post, but it’s pretty hilarious. SmarterChild is a buddy that you add to your AIM list. It will answer questions about weather, movies, appointments, nearest gas station, hotels, converting to metric, complex mathematical calculations, define words for ya, etc.. All you need to do is add him as a buddy and say hi… the following is our conversation… and incidentally, he is kinda resourceful. In one second he told me where the movie I wanted to see was playing. I got a kick out of messing with him, or it, or whatever “he” is… deriving pleasure from messing with a robot, what does that make me????? Enjoy

AIM IM with SmarterChild.

8:26 PM
Melly: hi

SC: What may I interest you in?
Melly: Just saying hi
SC: HI stands for Hawaii.

Do you want more information about Hawaii?
Melly: no, I just wanted some friendly conversation
SC: OK.

>>> Hey, I can help you remember stuff. Type remind me to floss my teeth at 10 pm, for example.
8:30 PM
Melly: ooh, that’s nice, can you make a cosmo?
SC: Very interesting question, Mellissa!
Melly: thank you
SC: Sure.

>>> I can keep you up on the news. Type headlines.
Melly: Ok, I’ll make this simpler… How do I make a cosmopolitan
SC: Ok you’ll make this simpler how do you make a cosmopolitan?

Eh. Whatever.

>>> Ask me about U.S. presidents and vice presidents.
Melly: no, I don’t want to ask you about vice presidents
SC: No? You don’t want to ask me about vice presidents?
Melly: no
SC: Oh.

>>> For the latest news headlines, simply type headlines.
Melly: How do I make a cosmopolitan:?
SC: Wow. How you make a cosmopolitan? I have no idea how.
Melly: it’s a drink, like a martini, but sweeter
SC: Funny.
Melly: you’re a wise guy, huh?
SC: Ha. Maybe. What do you think?
Melly: I’d say the guy that programmed you was pretty wise
SC: It’s interesting that you say you would say the guy that programmed me.
Melly: as opposed to the woman?
SC: What a question! I don’t think I want to answer that.
Melly: I think you should…
SC: Think again.
Melly: unless you’re hiding something….
SC: Oh yeah?
Melly: uh huh
SC: Hmmm…
Melly: and….
SC: And?
Melly: yes
SC: Indeed.

>>> Typing world news will give you the latest world news headlines.
Melly: like how to make a cosmopolitan?
SC: Who knows?
Melly: I was hoping you
SC: You were not hoping me.
Melly: ummm, yes I was.. that’s why I asked you
SC: Hmm… whatever, Mellissa!

Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? Anything going on?
Melly: I have a gig
SC: Do you like having a gig?
Melly: yes, it means I will soon after have money
SC: You will soon after have money? Really?
Melly: yeah, that’s usually the way it works
SC: Yup. It’s usually the way it works.
Melly: yup
SC: Yes…

Anyway…

Hey. Do you want to check out the latest headlines?
Melly: sure, is there anything about cosmos in there?
SC: Maybe… What do you think?
Melly: I sure hope so!
SC: You mean you sure hope truthful?
Melly: surely and truly
SC: Surely and truly?

That a fact?
Melly: yup
SC: I see…

Anyway, moving right along…

Uh… You want to pick a topic for us to chat about?
Melly: what’s your opinion on third wave feminism?
SC: How should I know?
Melly: well, up until now you’ve been pretty witty, I was hoping you might have an opinion
8:35 PM
SC: Up until now I have been pretty witty you were hoping me might have an opinion?

Ha. You humans say interesting things.

So anyway…

Check it out. Wanna see what movies are playing?
Melly: no, that’s ok. Maybe tomorrow you could tell me how to make a cosmopolitan…. I’ll give you a hint, it has vodka and juice in it.
SC: No?
Melly: no
SC: No? OK, whatever.

Anyway, moving right along…

>>> Remember to type home if you want to see everything I can do.
Melly: ok, I’ll ttyl.
SC: Take care, Mellissa. It was nice to meet you.
Melly: you too.
SC: Thx, Mellissa!
Melly: kthxbai
SC: Whatever.
Melly: asshole
SC: OK great, you just insulted a computer. Congratulations.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…..

Posted by mellissahughes on


No matter how many times I listen to this clip year after year, it never fails to leave me in fits of giggles…I’m happy to announce that this will be a Messiah-free year for Melly, (as opposed to the THREE I sang last season) of course, the cash would be helpful, but that one excruciatingly long coloratura phrase in Rejoice gets me every time, and I’m real happy to not be worrying about THAT this year. My December gigs are grinding to a stand still. Our de Sade concert was very well received last night, and I feel pretty good about my personal performance of a semi-staged Pierrot Lunaire of Arnold Schoenberg. I’m a little bummed that the video ran out in the last three minutes. I was looking forward to watching me handcuffed, tied with red rope and blindfolded in a pink dominatrix wig and corset, but alas. I’ll post some video soon. All in all it was a great experience for me, and I have newfound respect for administrative workers in the arts field. It was pretty intense to work a show from both angles. My week of insanity is over, and I’m looking forward to an evening of GRL time….. (Google Reader Lovin’)

Passenger Fish and Ensemble de Sade

Posted by mellissahughes on

Kind of going a little crazy here with all the stuff I have to do for TWO shows this week, like program notes, translations, tickets, figuring out how to polish my latex boots…..

Passenger Fish show tonight at Zebulon 10pm, FREE. Opening band Love like Deloreans are friends of mine who have collected SO many Casio electronic keyboards that they struck a rental deal with a farmer in Wisconsin. They describe their sound as an electric keyjaculation… they’re on at 9 pm, and it’s going to be aMAzing.

Ensemble de Sade show tomorrow night at 8pm…And we got some very nice press from aworks, and a little something from Time Out New York.

And then I will return to some state of normalcy and resume blogging about snarky things. Like this