ZOE BELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We knew this day was coming!!!!!! But seriously people, why the hell would you hire Zoe Bell, a living, breathing, stunt artist….. only to have her walk off a boat never to be heard from again…. Cameo, my ass!! I mean, come on!!!!!! I waited and waited… no Zoe. Where the fuck is Zoe?? Oh, she’ll be back, I said out LOUD, she’s gonna pull some crazy shit, just you wait. You know she can hold her breath for like, a year….

Why just jump off a boat?? My God, I could have done that. No swandive?? At least let her do a cannonball, come on!!!

Lame…. Lamer than Lame….Lame-o.

Your Homework for TimberBrit

Dearest Ones, to prepare you for what you will see Sunday evening…. first familiarize yourself with the source materials….
Britney Spears – Toxic

Jacob Cooper then took a snip from the audio sample and time stretched it to equal roughly quarter note = 34.86. Really freaking slow!! Listening to this is sort of the equivalent to staring at your pores in an intensely strong mirror, it really highlights all the imperfections, (and also makes you realize that sound engineers are GODS) Here’s the slow stretched sample from Toxic ( just the chorus).

Cooper then re-orchestrated it for live band (keys, guitar, drumset, electronics, and vocals). At first, to be honest, I wasn’t entirely sure if it would be interesting enough to keep the audiences attention, however… the gaps that are left in the slow tempo are now being filled in with some pretty freaking awesome solo licks, mainly played by my buddy James Moore on guitar. We also have plenty of effects and pedals to run through….. so “Oops I did it again” now sounds like a Beach Blanket Bingo Luau!!! In a sense, there’s new musical material with in the old, a song with in a song. It’s really cool.

Also, Hit me Baby One More Time real slow, sort of sounds like a bare-boned version of the Moonlight Sonata, it’s even in the same key.

Now, a word on how I approached the vocals… with things stretched this slow, and with the sampled vocals never really lining up with the backing track, the idea was to really emulate the disjunction and imperfections and freaking revel in it. A click track was totally necessary. It enabled me to arrive both early and late at times, and do that whacky non-rhythmic and now really slow wide vibrato thing while still maintaining a sense of tempo that I’m trying somewhat to ignore. Oh the layers!!! I mean, half of what singing is, is physics: how to manipulate a set of pipes to vibrate at a certain frequency and be heard a certain distance away…. the other half is making it look like you aren’t thinking about the physics…and trying to look purty. Throw in a blond wig, a sparkley dress that would make any 9-year-old want to key my Porsche, some purple Robitussin, and a little moonwalkin’ and you’ll see why Sunday night promises to be pretty darn special.

And in case you were interested, here’s the recording we made of Toxic back in January. It’s multi-tracked, so it loses a lot of the “band” magic that happens when six sweaty musicians are rocking out in a small studio apartment, but you’ll get the drift.

werd, see you all in pop heaven…..

It’s coming………..

Taste my Tragedy…..
Jacob Cooper, Composer and Producer
Yuka Igarashi, Librettist
J.J. Lind, Director

Mellissa Hughes, BRITNEY
Ted Hearne, JUSTIN
James Moore, Guitar
Trevor Gureckis, Keyboard
David Skidmore, Drums

March 16th, 2008
7:30 pm and 9 pm (2 shows)
Tickets: $10 / $8 for students
advanced purchase here

The Tank
279 Church Street between Franklin and White
A, C, E, J, M, Z, N, Q, R, W, or 6 to Canal Street
1 to Franklin Street

It’s Platinum Love Time, Baby…..

The Little Pamphlet that caused a Whole Lot o’ Trouble

Perhaps you know already that Kellogg’s Corn Flakes and Graham Crackers were originally created to control the sexual urges in youth in the late 19th Century….. but did you know that prior to the year 1712, masturbation wasn’t seen as a mortal sin? We have a fictitious little pamphlet written by a self-taught surgeon John Marten to thank for that. Onania, the 80-odd paged pamphlet warned of the signs of the bad touching- headaches, bowel problems, rheumatism, gonorrhea, and my personal favorite, short-sightedness, or going blind…. Onania’s readers were encouraged to purchase the accompanying “Strengthening Tincture”, and “Prolific Powder”, which would ensure their nocturnal desires remained dormant….probably forever.

Incidentally, Onania gets its name from Onan, the Biblical character who “spills his seed” on the ground, rather than in his wife. He is then STRUCK DEAD by God.

Withdrawal method=BAD
Rhythm method=GOOD….

and generation upon generation upon generation of sexually oppressed wanker-spankers were born….

via The Smart Set

In honor of woman’s day…Memories from my childhood revisited.

My Dad used to sing in a jug band… yes, a jug band, with a washboard, and the washtub with the broom handle and string, and guitar, and the jug…. I remember him dressing up with other men and singing this song at a church function, it may have even been a pig roast, and all the good little church wives smiling and laughing along…

and a little feminist’s “lack” of sense of humor was born.

Here’s Candice Bergen and the Muppets interpretation of “Put another log on the Fire”